The Odd Quintet

Dedicated to my BBF who sent me the following picture and requested a story when I was feeling particularly depressed and got my wheels turning. It started as a joke and turned in to this little piece.

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Feedback is appreciated and I hope you enjoy it.

Synopsis: Five different animals end up lined together.

THE ODD QUINTET

“Move over! Stop pushing!” Lion roared.

“What do tigers wear in bed?” Panda piped in excitedly.

“Shut up! Oh look! Another human!” Tiger warned in return.

“Shit! This is a small one! SMALL HUMAN ALERT!” White Tiger announced, its voice laced with worry.

“Dammit move! It’s coming this way!” Lion yelled.

“Oh shit! Don’t pick me! Don’t pick me!” White Tiger chanted.

“LION IN THE AIR!” White Tiger announced.

“In the hands of a small human…” Panda said pitifully.

“He’s coming back down.” Cheetah observed.

“Will I be next?” Panda asked meekly.

“Oh! The human is moving away.” Tiger breathed out a sigh of relief.

“WOW! This one’s a screamer.” Cheetah said, watching the little human throw a tantrum as the adults dragged it away.

“Phew! That was close.” Lion said, trying to feign indifference. “Move over! Why do you have to stick with me?!”

“A lion, a tiger, and a panda walk in to a bar –” Panda started.

“Shut up, Panda! Space issues here!” Tiger roared.

“What are you doing here anyways?” Cheetah turned to Panda, temporarily forgetting the fight over space.

“Yeah. It’s like we’re in an odd-one-out game.” White Tiger commented also giving Panda its full attention.

“You know we’re carnivores, right?” Lion, too, joined in the discussion.

“Hey! I have sharp teeth as well!” Panda cried indignantly. “Just because I eat plants and am cute and cuddly, doesn’t mean I’m nice!”

“Shall we try it out boys?” Tiger advanced with a ravenous glint in his eyes.

“HUMAN ALERT!” White Tiger announced.

“Shit! We were just about to have some fun!” Tiger backed off, disappointed.

“PANDA IN THE AIR!” White Tiger yelled.

“Yes, we can see.” Cheetah said with a sigh.

“Good. Now may be we can start the carnivores only group.” Lion commented, adjusting himself in the small space.

“What is that green thing around the human’s mouth?” Cheetah asked inquisitively.

“It seems…icky…” Tiger replied trying to get a better look at the green slime.

“…And now panda is being dressed in it.” Lion said with a hint of glee.

“That…is a very bad thing…” Cheetah said distastefully in a warning tone.

“Hahaha! I don’t think so! Serves that Pan –” Tiger stopped in mid sentence when it felt a green substance drip between it eyes.

“DAMMIT HUMAN! Why would you throw a panda on a tiger?!” Tiger bellowed. “And with green, icky stuff all over it?! GRRR!! Move it fatty! You’re heavy!”

“I’m trying!” Panda answered anxiously, flailing its limbs in the air.

“I’m hungry.” Cheetah said looking over at Panda.

“I’m not on the menu!” Panda cried, now off Tiger’s back and trying to clean off the green slime.

“Move over or you will be!” Lion threatened.

“Great. LIGHTS OUT!” White Tiger yelled.

“Yes, we can see!” Cheetah said exasperatedly. “Or in this case, NOT see. Anyways, stop announcing everything!”

“Dammit!” Lion roared. “If you guys don’t move right now, I’m going to tear you apart!”

Tiger snorted. “Aren’t you supposed to be the King of the Jungle? And you’re having trouble with a little space?”

“THAT’S IT!” Lion bellowed. “I’ve had it with you Tiger! Let’s settle this you puny cat!”

“Bring it on, you wimp who can’t even climb a tree!” Tiger rose up combatively.

“You guys better stop.” Cheetah advised laying its head on its paws and getting ready to sleep. “Forget doing any damage, in this darkness, you’ll only hurt yourselves.”

“Yeah!” Panda piped in. “Let’s cool off everyone. Listen to this. A lion and a tiger were walking through the jungle –”

“Shut up, Panda!” Tiger exclaimed turning his attention to the Panda.

Lion, too, faced Panda. “Yeah! Enough of your lame jokes!”

Panda pouted dejectedly.

“All right guys! That’s enough for today.” White Tiger said lying down. “Save it for tomorrow…it’s going to be a long day.”

Lion and Tiger looked at each other, growled, and then turned to lie down for the night.

“Goodnight!” Cheetah said forcefully making it clear he wanted an answer.

“Goodnight.” White Tiger replied with a yawn.

“Goodnight!” Panda said perkily, not seeming tired at all.

When there was a pause, Cheetah called out in a warning tone, “Lion? Tiger?”

“‘Night.” Lion mumbled.

“Mmm. ‘Night” Tiger, too, obliged begrudgingly.

After a few minutes, Panda’s voice echoed in the silence, “Guys…why did Simba’s father die?”

“SHUT UP, PANDA!”

THE END


 EXTRA

The quintet were going about their usual arguments when Cheetah noticed that Panda was enraptured by a young human woman. The woman drew nearer, her eyes anticipatory and her gait excited. Panda’s eyes never left her and Cheetah could swear he heard Panda squeal when the woman picked him up.

She cuddled Panda for a while, running her fingers through its fur, rubbing it against her face, and even — to Cheetah’s disgust — kissing Panda who was wearing a weird, delighted expression. After the human woman turned Panda this way and that for a few more minutes, she put it back down, stared down at the remaining four who looked back apprehensively, and moved away.

“Guys. I think I’m in love!” Panda announced catching everyone’s attention.

“Panda! You can’t fall in love with a human!” Tiger chided.

“We’re stuffed toys!” Lion exclaimed. White Tiger nodded fervently, too shocked to say anything.

“Why are we talking then?” Panda inquired with a confused expression.

“The author is tripping.” Cheetah answered anticlimactically, laid his head on his paws and continued his observations of humanity.

THE END

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